Powerless

It was my intention to regroup and try to move forward after last week by shifting gears this week. I had my first trip to the Legends Club to write about, which was made perfect by Aaron Hick's curtain-call-worthy night. After a conversation with my mom, I looked up some words of wisdom our beautiful Pope Francis had about the importance of keeping our focus on serving others rather than on simply improving ourselves. There were some positive and unselfish (or at least, less selfish than usual) things worth reflecting on.

Instead, I can't spice up my blog with relevant pictures or find helpful links to go with my thoughts. I can't write anything hopeful or happy tonight. I'm frustrated with myself about that, as I think about the Pope's words about selfishness, but I can't move beyond myself tonight.

Tonight, I feel so utterly powerless. It's a debilitating feeling.

In the last day or two, I've been made the victim of bullying, primarily cyberbulling. This is not the first time this bully has victimized me with his disparaging words. As I feared, my attempt to stand up to him has led to retaliation. I'm still trying to figure out what to do next. To a large extent, there is very little I can do. I've told him to stop, I've unfriended him on Facebook (the primary locus of the bullying) and I've blocked him on Facebook, meaning neither of us can view or contact each other. I've avoided social events because he would be present. I've now learned that it hasn't kept him from making his disparaging remarks about me on Facebook; he just can't "tag" me or directly link to my account. He has been posting his assessment of me and his assumption of my opinions on his own and others' pages. What's scarier is that I am not even able to monitor what he is saying about me, and I'm only aware of it from friends who saw the commentary.

This bully has said in his posts that he is fueled by people in my circle of "friends" who complain to him about me. To those of you who gossiped to him behind my back, I don't know who you are. However, if I ever have occasion to learn your identities, our false friendship is over. Bullying isn't acceptable just because we're now adults. It's just as wrong as childhood bullying, and the fallout, though different than what a child or youth might experience, can be just as devastating to an adult. Shame on you for fueling that, for not dealing with your issues with me as an adult, and for fueling someone who has been a known bully.

Navigating friendships, family relationships, work relationships and living as one imperfect person in a fallen world of imperfect people is our reality, and we will daily face challenges in all of those relationships. Sometimes, those challenges are more difficult than at other times. Now is one of those difficult times. In almost every one of my circles, I've been attacked, put down, or been treated as worthless by someone or someones. I've continually had the worst assumed of me. Normally, when I have those experiences, I strive to take them and reflect on the times I have treated another person harshly and change my behavior in the future to be more loving and compassionate. Of late, I've lost my resiliency.

What does one do when one is crushed under the weight of it all and unable to get up again? When one cries oneself to sleep more days than not? When those vicious messages are all one hears anymore, day and night?

I love the liturgical calendar of our Church, how we as the Body of Christ journey through the life, death and resurrection of Christ together each year. At the same time, in can be maddening to be experiencing a personal Good Friday when everyone else is celebrating Easter.

To those of you who have been my Simon or my Veronica over the last day or two as this bully reared his ugly head - and especially to those who have been and continue to be Simon and Veronica throughout the Lenten seasons of my life - thank you. I only hope that someday, I can be your Veronica when your cross is crushing you.

For now, I just hope there will come a time when "It is finished."